A Toast to Superheroes and Friends

Posted by Jenny Martin

Erm, I don’t really have anything exciting to share about myself this week.

But, I do have some SPECTACULAR NEWS to share about one of  my friends/superheroes/mentors, A. Lee Martinez.

Alex’s bestseller, Gil’s All Fright Diner, is going HOLLYWOOD. Dreamworks has attached director Barry Sonnenfeld and the scribes behind Kung Fu Panda to a movie adaptation of the novel. You can read about it in Variety.

Very cool, indeed, dear ones.

Perhaps you’ve noticed I gush (quite frequently) about DFW Writers’ Workshop. Workshop is a fab organization for writers. Scribblers of all stripes and skill levels meet every Wednesday night. Some of us are newbie novices (me) and some of us are ridiculously talented (um, that would be A. Lee Martinez.)

How many bestselling authors take the time to patiently offer critique and advice to lesser mortals? Alex does. He helps to cultivate our community of writers; he and a cadre of other awesome superfriends contribute to DFWWW in a big way.

As a flunky sidekick in training, I’m honored to be counted among their number.

Congratulations to my superfriend, Alex. His talent and hardwork brought Gil’s to this point. I’d like to think a little karmic payback hasn’t hurt, either.

Here’s a toast to my many superheroes and friends.

Who are you cheering for? Whose advice or guidance has helped you most? Tell me and I’ll pick the most amazing shoutout. I’ll send the winner a copy of Gil’s All Fright Diner. (Hey, I might even be able to grovel enough to get the author to autograph it. ) I’ll announce the winner next week.

Hungry for more? Try my recipe for Peanut Butter Superfudge. I’ve taken this sweet confection and put it on steroids.

Peanut Butter Superfudge

2 cups sugar

1/2 milk

1 1/3 cup peanut butter

1 (reg. size) jar of marshmallow creme

Bring sugar and milk to a boil; boil for 3 minutes. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and marshmallow cream. Pour into buttered 8 inch pan.

Binge!

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How to Write a Perfect(ly Dreadful) Query Letter

Posted by Jenny Martin

I’ve added footnotes to this sterling query letter. Enjoy.

(1)Dear Agent:

(2) Are you terrified of death? (3) Imagine a world where sparkling, flesh eating zombies roam freely across the countryside. (4) By reading my novel, you will experience the terror of an undead apocalypse. (5) TWILIGHT HUNGER is wholly original; you’ve never met anyone like Hunter Steele. (6) Hunter’s zombie killing escapades are just the tip of the iceberg. (7) Can he save the voluptuous raven haired Desiree  D’Uathata (a fiery tempered fae) from an Islamic terrorist plot?

(8) By now, you must realize you’ve never seen the likes of TWILIGHT HUNGER before. My novel will appeal to anyone who loves good literature, especially men. (9) With over 144 million men in the United States alone, my 287, 000 word epic saga is destined for the bestseller list.

(10) I’ve had my fiction novel professionally edited by my aunt, who proofs the classified ads for our local Penny Saver. (11) My family and friends characterize my story as “unforgettably horrifying” and “strangely amusing.” (12) Although I know you’ll fall in love with my manuscript, I need assurances you will not plagiarize my ideas. (13) To this end, I’ve contacted the copyright office to secure the rights to the novel.

(14) Each chapter of my manuscript is attached to this e-mail as a separate word document. I quit my job this week in order to write a sequel, and I’ll be on vacation until next Thursday. I’ll await your call next Friday at 5:00 p.m. sharp. (15) Let’s make some money together!

(16) Hugs and Kisses,

Scarlet Whisper

(1)   Agents appreciate efficiency. Research is tedious and time consuming. Instead of selecting individual agents who might be the best fit, go ahead and toilet paper Manhattan with your query. Don’t personalize queries; everyone knows it’s a waste of time. If “Dear Agent” feels too impersonal, use “To Whom it May Concern” instead.

(2)   Always begin your query with a question. Agents love rhetorical hooks, especially ones which raise one’s blood pressure; it builds tension

(3)   Show how attuned you are to pop culture by adopting movie trailer narration in your query.

(4)   You know how fabulous your novel is; be confident and tell the agent how much they’ll enjoy your story!

(5)   You want to entice the agent without giving too much of the plot away. Don’t forget to mention your hard-bodied protagonist!

(6)   The use of metaphor marks you as a sophisticated writer. Pepper your query with bold clichés.

(7)   Only give the agent a taste of the action in your story; use adjectives and adverbs freely to highlight your plot. Keep the agent guessing what your book is about.

(8)   Confidence, confidence. Who wants a milquetoast as a client? Tell the agent how unique and profound your novel is; spare no descriptor!

(9)   It’s important to show you’ve done your market research; calculate how many people will buy your masterpiece. By sharing this information up front, you’ve told agent you’re a savvy business person. Include your initial word count, even if you think 287,000 is a little low.

(10)                       Of course, don’t forget to include the manuscript’s history. The agent will appreciate the expertise of a fellow professional. Also, be sure to clarify that your novel is “fiction.”

(11)                       Blurbs are a powerful selling point; quote your blood relatives. The agent enjoys reading these objective reviews.

(12)                       Be careful. Publishing is a cutthroat business. You know your novel is the next Pulitzer. Let the agent see you’re streetwise and prepared for a lawsuit.

(13)                       I’m sure you’ve heard your novel is granted copyright protection from the moment you wrote it, but it never hurts to go the extra mile. While you’re at it, secure the copyright for the cover artwork your daughter painted. Original black velvet canvases of sparkling zombies are hard to come by.

(14)                       Attach the full manuscript, regardless of the agent’s submission guidelines. They’ll thank you later. Attaching each chapter separately will make it easier on the agent when you send revisions two days after your original query.

(15)                       Let your enthusiasm and financial prowess shine through your query letter. In fact, send a box of cigars or a bottle of aftershave along with your submission.

(16)                       This is the clincher. You’ve been the consummate professional throughout your query. Seal the deal with an intimate greeting. The agent will develop distinct feelings toward you.

Still hungry?

After you’ve sent your query, wait for the stacks of manuscript requests to pile up in your mailbox or e-mail folder. Until then, build a bonfire with the mountain of rejections you’ve accrued. The crackling flames are the perfect compliment to my Indoor Smores.

Indoor Smores

Ingredients

4 cups Gold Grahams cereal

3 tablespoons butter

6 cups mini marshmallows

1/4 cup light corn syrup

1 1/2 cups milk chocolate chips

Spray or butter a 9 by 13 pan. Set aside cereal in a large bowl. In a medium saucepan over low heat, melt butter. Add marshmallows and corn syrup and stir until melted. Stir in chocolate chips until ingredients melt together smoothly. Remove from heat and pour over cereal; stir well to coat. Press into pan. Cool completely before cutting into squares.

Binge!

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Scarlet Whisper Pulls a Hermione Granger

Posted by Jenny Martin

Now, I know you’re not going to believe this, but…sometimes I’m a know-it-all pompous buttocks.

Yeah, it’s a stretch to imagine that. Really.

Sometimes, in the face of ridiculous ignorance, I run into a telephone booth, rip off my International Jewel Thief catsuit, don my wizard robes, and emerge as…

Hermione Granger.

I can’t help it. When people spout off hokum, what’s a librarian going to do?

For example, last week, I’m talking to somebody and the subject of magical realism comes up. Somebody mentions somebody else would probably like a certain middle grade magician story because this someone is a fan of  “magical realism.”

Ahem. Cough, Cough.

I pull a sorting hat (sans rabbit) out of my…(well, you don’t need a visual, do you?) and suddenly a torrent of Hermione speak is pouring from my lips.

“Well, that’s not really what she meant. Magical realism isn’t really about magic tricks or just stories with magical elements, like…erm, Harry Potter. Think Isabel Allende or Gabriel Garcia Marquez . Magic realism refers to a literary style when ordinary circumstances become transcendent through…”

His eyes glaze over.

“Oh, just go read Love in the Time of Cholera.”

He squints. I cannot tell whether he is angry, resentful, or confused.

“Never mind. Sounds like a great idea.”

He shuffles away, repelled by my high falutin’ airs.

And Hermione evaporates;  her spirit banished until feeble-minded assertions summon her again.

Or until someone sends me a forwarded e-mail about Nokia giving away free laptops.

Now if I could just get Hermione to show up when I really need her; like when I’m looking for the right exit for Northpark mall, or I’m trying to learn the rules to @ALeeMartinez ‘s new board game.

Dear ones, is it just me? Do you ever get a little overzealous when speaking out? Have you ever been thrown out of Starbucks for chastising the Barista about the origin of “Venti”? (Never mind–Forget I asked).

Still hungry?

If you’re looking for a great article on Magical Realism, check this one out.

If you’re looking for a great recipe for Hermione’s Humble Pie,  look no further. It’s easy, and is made from the humblest of ingredients.

Hermione’s Humble Pie

1 9-inch (unbaked) pie shell

3 eggs

2 cups sugar

2 Tbsp. flour

1 cup buttermilk (or 1 cup reg. milk w/ 1 Tbsp. lemon juice added)

1 stick butter, melted

1 tsp. vanilla

nutmeg

Beat the eggs. Add the flour and sugar. Add, buttermilk, melted butter and vanilla. Pour into pie shell and sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake for 10 minutes at 450 degrees. Lower temperature to 350 degrees and bake for forty five more minutes. Cool to taste. Refrigerate leftovers (if there are any).

Binge!

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7 Things I Learned about Rejection

Posted by Jenny Martin

Oh, yes. I am well acquainted with the heartbreak of rejection.

 I mean the writing kind, folks. (Not the kind of rejection I got in fourth grade when I slipped a box of Russell Stover chocolates into my dreamboat crush’s valentine sack…that’s another level of pain altogether.)

 1. Rejection is a natural part of the writing process. Everyone goes through it. Rejection should be a motivator to persevere and grow.

 2. Rejection can nurture a healthy sense of humility. You thought everyone would love your perfect novel about sparkling zombie assassins? Think again. Learn to embrace honesty and work to improve.

 3. Rejection can be illuminating. Although even the most complimentary rejection is still a “no,” rejections with personal feedback provide the writer with valuable critique. If agents or editors take the time to point out flaws, some deep reflecting and/or revising is in order. Query, partial, or full request rejections with on target personal critique are golden. Each has the potential to strengthen future submissions.

 4. Rejection can measure progress. Most of my first rejections were impersonal form rejections. After much revision and critique, my rejections became personalized notes and partial requests. After more revision, my queries have been followed by full requests. Yes, I’m still getting rejected, but I’m getting a lot of detailed critique in the process. Bless those agents who offer scraps of insight to the hopeful writer.

 5. Rejection can be a much needed reality check. If you’ve revised two dozen times, queried 200 agents, and still get only form rejections, a gut assessment is needed. Maybe it’s your project, maybe it’s your writing, or maybe it’s the market. Maybe you stink like a three month old cabbage. Maybe it’s time to explore a career in dairy farming…

 6. Rejection separates the wheat from the chaff. Those who give up early and refuse to learn from rejection make room for others who will go on to publish wonderful (or not so wonderful) books. Keep your day job, but keep writing.

 7. Rejection is hard and fast. No amount of wishful thinking or elaborate rejectomancy can spin an acceptance from a pass on a manuscript. Deal with it and move on.

Dear Ones,

Although your rejection misery sounds very compelling, I’m afraid Imust pass on hearing more about it. I wish you future success in your psychothery sessions.

Best Regards,

Scarlet Whisper

 Hungry for more?

 Curl up with a steaming mug of my hot spiced cider. Pour in a little something extra, if necessary, but remember that the suicide hotline standing by twenty four hours a day, if you need to talk to someone. 

 Hot Spiced Cider

1 large can pineapple juice
1 quart orange juice
1/2 cup lemon juice
2 1/2 quarts strong tea
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons whole cloves
Cinnamon sticks (two or three)

Combine  juices and tea. In sauce pan, combine remaining ingredients with 1 qt cold water – bring to a boil, then simmer for five minutes. Turn off the burner and strain off the cinnamon sticks and cloves. Add hot mixture to tea/juice mixture. Heat and serve.

Binge!

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The Manuscript as Helter Skelter

Posted by Jenny Martin

Saturday night, folks from my writers’ group came over for a RockBand/Guitar Hero night.

Writers’ Rocksgiving.

I never knew we had so many headbangers and fist pumpers in our scribbler’s gang.

And of course…Scarlet Whisper made an appearance with her signature encore: Helter Skelter on Beatles RockBand.

I lose all inhibition (and dignity) wailing Helter Skelter. Imagine a tone deaf Paul McCartney in Janis Joplin drag performing a Vegas Style lounge act rendition. That kinda sums it up.

Can’t stop myself. I love that song. It’s become my writing anthem.

When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn
and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again

Revision after revision after revision. You edit your manuscript until the sight of it makes you want to hurl all over your Chuck Taylors. And then you work on it some more.

Do you don’t you want me to love you
I’m coming down fast but I’m miles above you

You waver. One day, you believe you possess a glimmer of talent. The next (after your query incites a chorus of crickets), you embrace the enormity of your writing suckage.

Tell me tell me come on tell me the answer
and you may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer

You turn to your beta readers, your crit group, your spouse and your second grade teacher (or worse, your mom) to analyze what is wrong with your book.

I will you won’t you want me to make you
I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you

You put your manuscript aside. You start a new project.

Tell me tell me tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain’t no dancer

You play the waiting game with agents. You persevere.

Look out
Helter skelter
helter skelter
helter skelter
Yeah,
Look out cause here she comes

And one golden day, you get a manuscript request (or two, or six). Maybe it’s a partial. Maybe it’s a full. You’re back on the roller coaster.

When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn
and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Well will you won’t you want me to make you
I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you

Look out
Helter skelter
helter skelter
helter skelter

Rejection? Maybe. Who knows.

She’s coming down fast
Yes she is
Yes she is
coming down fast

I can’t stop. The ride makes me hurl sometimes, but it’s too much fun to get off and walk away. Yep, I’m hopping in line again.

Here we go.

Tell me, dear ones, what’s your writing anthem?

Hungry for more? Writing junkies will enjoy my Black Magic Cake

Black Magic Cake

Ingredients:

2 sticks butter, cut into pats

3/4 chocolate syrup

8 Milky Way Bars (2.05 oz. each), cut into chunks

2 cups sugar

1 cup buttermilk (or add 1 tbsp. lemon juice to one cup regular milk)

1 tsp. vanilla

4 eggs

2 1/2 cups flour

3/4 cup cocoa (dark choc. Hershey’s is best)

3/4 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. baking soda

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 12 cup bundt pan. Put butter, syrup, and Milky Ways in a large microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 5 minutes, whisking once halfway through cooking time. Whisk until smooth.

Add sugar, buttermilk, vanilla, and eggs. Then add in flour, cocoa, salt, and baking soda.

Pour batter into bundt pan. Set bundt pan on a cookie sheet to catch any accidental spillover. Bake for one hour. Cool for 10 minutes before inverting cake from pan.

Glaze with frosting. To make frosting, melt three more Milky Way bars with 3 tbsp. milk, 1 tsp. vanilla, and 1 stick butter.

Overdose, erm…binge.

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Another Faust and Devil’s Food Caramel Cake

Posted by Jenny Martin

This past weekend, I picked up Another Faust, a YA novel by siblings Daniel and Dina Nayeri. I’m inhaling it late at night. I should be folding laundry instead, but this contemporary retelling of the classic deal with the devil story won’t let me go.

 Five troubled children disappear. Five years later, five gifted teens crash New York’s a list scene at Marlowe Academy, a school for the crème de la crème of Manhattan. Is their benefactor, Madame Vileroy, all she seems? What price will they pay to purchase their dreams? 

Another Faust is full of black desire, broken souls and twisted illusions.   

Oh, yeah. I’m in.

 Interested? Check out the Authors’ Web Site. They are sponsoring an Another, Another Faust writing contest. Submit your own Devil’s bargain story (3,000 words or less) and you might a win signed copy, a handwritten deleted scene, a feature interview and article, and the opportunity to get your work in the hands of publishing professionals.

If Another Faust whets your appetite, check out these sites highlighting other retellings of the classic Devil’s Bargain story.

What do Little Shop of Horrors, The Portrait of Dorian Gray, and Ghost Rider all have in common? Explore the roots and retellings of Faust at: http://www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Faust

Old School Faust Legends: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/faust.html

Read about the granddaddy of them all: Goethe’s Faust

http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~brians/hum_303/faust.html

Hungry for more? Try my Devil’s Food Caramel Cake. No blood pact is required to bake this sweet treat.

Devil’s Food Caramel Cake

Ingredients:

1 box Devil’s Food Cake (Duncan Hines is best)

1 cup buttermilk (or add 1 tbsp. lemon juice to 1 cup regular milk)

½ vegetable oil

3 eggs

7 to 10 oz. package of milk chocolate covered turtles, chopped

1 tbsp. cocoa (I like Hershey’s Dark)

½ cup caramel topping

Your favorite chocolate frosting (homemade or from a can)

More turtle candies for garnish

 Grease two 9 in. round baking pans. In a large mixing bowl, combine the cake mix, buttermilk and oil. Add the eggs. Beat with electric mixer for 2 minutes. Stir in the turtle candies and the cocoa. 

Pour batter into baking pans. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes. Cool slightly before removing from pans. Spread caramel between layers. Frost cake with chocolate icing and sprinkle additional turtle candy bits over the top of the cake.

Binge!

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Children’s Books: The Gateway Drug

Posted by Jenny Martin

I hear marijuana is a “gateway” drug.

After a few “harmless” puffs, you soon experiment with prescription uppers. Then, you move one to harder street drugs. Before you know it, it’s nine a.m. on a Tuesday and you’re smoking crack in the alley behind Whataburger.

Suddenly, you’re a meth tweaking, rufie gobbling maniac who hallucinates about killer unicorns.

All because of a little “harmless” fun.

I kinda think books are the same way. You read a few books as a child, and suddenly…you’re a book freak on a leash.

So what if those childhood reads are a little kooky, a little subversive?

For example, one of the first “Gateway” books I remember reading is The Lonely Doll. I scored this checkered beauty by conning my parents into buying it from Weekly Reader.

Thelonelydoll

I should have known the book would ensnare me. Anything written by a siren named “Dare Wright” is bound to be narcotic. (Say that name in your best throaty movie trailer voice. Dare. Wright. See what I mean?)

Then I opened the book. Such adventures. Such intrigue.

The Lonely Doll, Edith, pines away in a big empty house. She prays with all her heart to meet a special someone.

Two forbidden strangers appear on her doorstep. Mr. Bear and his sidekick, Little Bear.

Does Edith say, “Who are you? Get off my porch, you fuzzy freaks!”

No. Edith claps her hands with Joy. “You must have found me because I wished so hard,” she cries.

Mr. Bear swoops in and takes control. He watches over her, coerces her to do her lessons, scolds her for getting dirty or venturing too far from home.

LonelydollstalkMr. Bear stalks Edith.

And when he leaves for the afternoon, Edith sneaks into the Big Girl’s boudoir and plays dress up. She puts on makeup, slips on high heels and scrawls lipstick on the mirror.

Mr. Bear comes home. He takes Edith over his knee and spanks her. See how little bear covers his eyes? He can’t bear to watch…

lonelydollpunished

So, then Edith tells Mr. Bear to get out of her house, right?

No. Of course not.  “Oh, thank you, thank you, Mr. Bear!” cried Edith, hugging Mr. Bear. “I do just love you…please, will you promise to stay forever?”

lonelydollend

 

 

A little subtext goes a long way, dear ones. Curse you, Dare Wright.

At age four, The Lonely Doll became my “Gateway” book.

At fourteen, I read Wuthering Heights. Heathcliffe makes a nasty Mr. Bear.

At twenty four, I read Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy makes an irresistible Mr. Bear.

At thirty four, I read Twilight. Edward Cullen makes such a sparkly Mr. Bear.

It took Breaking Dawn to push me over the edge. I hit bottom with that one. After a quick stint at Literature Rehab, vapid, controlling stalker types no longer haunted my bookshelves.

So, dear ones, what about you? What were your “Gateway” books? I’d love to hear which books influenced you the most as a child.

Well, gotta go. Mr. Bear (erm…I mean Mr. Martin) will be home soon.

Hungry for more?

I’ll leave you with my recipe for Hot Stuff Chocolate Cake. It’s Narcotic. So sinful, but so easy to bake.

Hot Stuff Chocolate Cake:

Get a box of Duncan Hines chocolate cake. Bake in a 9 by 13 pan according the directions. Remove cake from the oven. While cake is still hot, poke holes all over the cake. Pour a can of sweetened condensed milk over the top. After the cake cools off, spread Cool Whip on top and sprinkle good stuff on top. (You can use choc. chips, nuts, toffee bits, chocolate syrup and/or caramel syrup.) Binge now, or allow to chill. The cake gets even better after a day in the fridge.

Binge!

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