EYE OF THE AGENT

Posted by Jenny Martin

Are you ready to see a Rock-tastic face melting performance?

Then I suggest you iTunes  a Kings of Leon video.

Are you ready to watch Scarlet Whisper make a fool of herself?

Then look no further. I am here to amuse you. And make your ears bleed.

You’ve heard Eye of the Tiger. Now listen to EYE OF THE AGENT!

Eye of The Agent
 
Risin’ up, back in the slush,
Took my crits and I revised.
Went to workshop, and I rewrote this mush
Just a hack and her will to survive. 

So many times, it happened so fast,
An auto-reject from Bransford
Don’t lose your grip on your work in progress,
You must write just keep it alive 

It’s the eye of the agent, it’s the thrill of the slush
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request,
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. 

Page to page, stuck in the inbox,
Hangin’ tough, keep on scribblin’
Full rejections with a scrap of feedback,
Help us kill, find the will to revise. 

It’s the eye of the agent, it’s thrill of the slush,
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. 

Risin’ up, straight to the pile,
Killed my gerunds and my adverbs.
Got some tension, now I’m not gonna stop,
Just hack and her will to survive 

The eye of the agent…

Still Hungry?

Make like Elvis and grab a hunk o’ Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

2 sticks butter

8 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, or cut up  bars

5 large eggs

1/2 cup sugar

Pinch of salt

4 teaspoons flour

8 extra-large paper muffin cups (or use greased ramekins).

Melt butter and chocolate on very low heat; remove from heat. Beat eggs, sugar and salt with a hand mixer in a medium bowl until sugar dissolves. Beat egg mixture into chocolate until smooth. Combine with flour.   Heat oven to 450 degrees. Line a standard-size muffin tin (1/2 cup capacity or use ramekins) with 8 extra-large muffin papers. Spray muffin papers with cooking spray. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake until cakes puff but center is not set, 8 to 10 minutes. Pull papers away from cakes or lift out cakes before serving.
Binge!
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Myth Mania

Posted by Jenny Martin

Myth:

1. a traditional or legendary story, usually concerning some being or hero or event, with or without a determinable basis of fact or a natural explanation, esp. one that is concerned with deities or demigods and explains some practice, rite, or phenomenon of nature

New buzz on the Percy Jackson Lightning Thief movie, anyone?

Check out School Library Journal’s inside scoop on the movie companion guide.

2. an imaginary or fictitious thing or person.

Is Scarlet Whisper: Librarian/Rockstar/International Jewel Thief a mythological creature?

Discuss.

3. an unproved or false collective belief.

Check out super ninja agents Brandi Bowles, Emmanuelle Alspaugh, Colleen Lindsay and Jason Allen Ashlock bust myths about queries, agents, and publishing in general. This eight minute clip features their panel discussion from the 2009 Backspace convention. The video is truly worth a look.

Hungry for more?

Try my Italian Cream Cake. Although it’s delish, I don’t recommend trying to sneak it into the Percy Jackson movie.

Italian Cream Cake

1/2 shortening (butter flavor Crisco is best)

1 stick butter

5 eggs

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

2 cups coconut

1 cup chopped nuts (pecans are great)

1 tsp. vanilla

1 cup butter milk

Cream shortening, butter, and sugar. Add eggs. Beat well. Add buttermilk, soda, flour, coconut, nuts and vanilla. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Makes three 9 inch layers. Cool completely. Frost.

Frosting:

1 stick butter, softened

1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened

1 box powdered sugar (3 3/4 cups)

1 cup chopped nuts (optional, I don’t add them)

1 tsp. vanilla.

Combine until smooth. Frost your cake, then frost your beak.

BINGE!

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Literary Mashups: Paul is Undead

Posted by Jenny Martin

Literary mashups are taking over the world.

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

And now…be still, my heart…the undead hordes have finally(!) smiled upon the GREATEST BAND in the UNIVERSE.

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

They’ve been going in and out of style, But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.

So may I introduce to you, the act book you’ve known waited for all these years…

PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION by Alan Goldsher

http://www.ispauldead.com/mediac/450_0/media/GreatHoax.jpg

Oh. Mylanta. My life can now be complete on June 22, 2010.

Why isn’t there a youtube book trailer for this? For the love of McCartney, somebody get on this one, stat!

Although you can’t nab copy of Paul is Undead for awhile, you can read about the brain munching escapades of John, Paul, George, and 7th Level Ninja Lord Ringo Starr here and here.

Hungry for more? Try my Happiness is a Warm Bundt Cake. When the undead come for your brains, lob a few sweet slices their way as a distraction.

2 sticks butter
3/4 cup chocolate syrup
8 (reg. size) Milky Way Bars, cut up (plus two more for later)
2 cups sugar
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Heat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease 12-cup Bundt Pan.

In 4-quart microwave-safe bowl, combine butter, syrup, and nougat bars. Heat 5 to 5 1/2 minutes, whisking once. Whisk until smooth. Add sugar, buttermilk, vanilla extract and eggs. Stir in the flour, cocoa, salt and baking soda.

Pour batter into pan. Bake 1 hour 30 to 40 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out almost clean. Cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes. Loosen cake from pan; invert onto rack to cool.

Melt some more Milky War bars w/ more milk and more butter. Pour goo over warm cake.

BINGE!

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Scarlet Whisper’s Publishing Predictions

Posted by Jenny Martin

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts written about the future of publishing. This weekend I also watched The Planet of the Apes and howled at the trailer for the 1980 crap-tastique movie The Apple, a dystopian pastische about the year 1994 (Watch out, this one will burn your eyes out!)

I’m not sure if it was the post-apocalyptic cinema or the glue I was sniffing, but I had an epiphany, a profound vision. Move over Nostradamus, Scarlet Whisper has seven predictions about the death (and resurrection) of print:

1. In 2012 (of course), a Malaysian scientist discovers Bibi, an orangutan capable of writing paranormal romances and techno-thrillers.

2  In 2014, after the Rand Corporation analyzes Bibi’s manuscripts against the slush pile, major publishing houses around the world begin to outsource selected projects to primates.

3. When Oprah’s book club pick, A Million Opposable Thumbs, a poignant memoir written by a red leaf monkey, skyrockets to the top of the NYT bestseller list, publishers begin to bypass agents and work directly with zookeepers in filling their lists.

4. Even as primates take over the industry, Sony capitalizes on the continued rise of e-books. Their banana shaped e-reader dominates the market. Each device comes preloaded with Stephen King’s Cell and Bibi’s first book, A Confederacy of Buttons.

5. In 2016, rabid neo-Luddites hack into Sony’s system and dump a virus into the big banana’s server. The conspiracy backfires when the virus causes banana readers to fall into a catatonic stupor after visually scanning the title page of any e-book. Biblio-zombies outnumber the uninfected within six months.

6. A death blow to publishing is struck when writer Joan Didion’s suffers a fatal heart attack after her book is passed over for the Pulitzer.  Bibi’s latest opus steals literature’s top prize.  The orangutan’s novel is comprised of one single word typset in Comic Sans: Meep.

6. By the fall of 2017, a ragtag cadre of librarians moves underground and operates small lending institutions. A handful of self-published authors are the only remaining uninfected human writers. These scribblers hide in bunkers and  study the simian  books. They learn to write.

7. In 2020, Optimus Primate, a silver Gibbon from Brooklyn, deactivates the virus by hurtling his body into Sony’s supercharged mainframe.  After the brain numbing banana readers are neutralized, publishing rises from the ashes. Although Optimus Primate’s heroics prove fatal, he is immortalized in an award winning, 666,000 word novel. Written by Scarlet Whisper.

Hungry for More?

Try my moist and delicious Kona Inn Banana Bread.

1 cup sugar
1 stick real butter
3 bananas, ripe and mashed
2 well beaten eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
Cream together butter and sugar, then add bananas and eggs. Stir in dry ingredients, but don’t overmix. Bake in a greased loaf pan at 350° for 45 minutes.
Binge!
Posted in 2.0, Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Contract Between Reader & Writer

Posted by Jenny Martin

This agreement made this 12th day of Never, in the 50th year of Our Lord Gaiman, by and between the peruser of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE READER) and the architect of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE WRITER).

WITNESSETH: That in consideration of mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties, hereto, respectively as herein stated:

I. Said party of the first part (THE READER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. purchase, borrow, or otherwise legally obtain the written article in a manner demonstrating good faith in the power of a good story.

b. engage in the cerebral and/or emotional pursuit of the written article until such time as the written article ceases to engage THE READER.

c. discard the written article if such article contains more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. In such case, THE READER vows to heap abuse on THE WRITER via Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from expressing an opinion of the written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER if said article induces the sentiment herewith known as “MEH.”

e. make loud and vigorous proclamation regarding the competency of THE WRITER, should the written article prove to be a string of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

II. And Said Party of the Second Part (THE WRITER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. with reasonable liberality, endorse the purchase, lending, or otherwise legal means of acquisition of the written article by THE READER.

b. imbue the written article with such engaging features as non-preposterous characters and an actual plot. Additionally, THE WRITER agrees to  saturate said article with satisfactory tension and non-loathsome sentences.

c. set fire to any pre-published, embryonic musings containing more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. Should THE WRITER allow such musings to be published, THE WRITER agrees to accept THE READER’S abuse via  Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from impuning THE READER for expressing a non-spectacular or otherwise uncomplimentary review published mechanically or distributed in the digital ether. Subclause: Should THE READER articulate a sentiment worse than “MEH” regarding said written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER, THE WRITER reserves the right to bludgeon THE READER ad mortem with said article, with impunity.

e. reward the loud and vigorous praise of THE READER by continuing to create strings of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE BINDING UPON THE PARTIES, INCLUDING THEIR SUCCESSORS, ASSIGNS, AND PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVES. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE ENFORCED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF EX LIBRIS.

Signed the day and year first written above.

Signed in the presence of:

Scarlet Whisper

First Party:

Second Party:

Hungry for More?

Try my Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies which are legally certified to be flourless yet delicious.

Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup creamy peanut butter

1 cup brown sugar (dark is yummier)

1 egg

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup chocolate chips (dark or milk)

Combine all ingredients except chocolate chips until smooth and well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls on cookie sheet. Bake one dozen at a time for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Cool and serve.

Binge!

Posted in Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , , , , 7 Comments

New Year’s Re(v)olution

Posted by Jenny Martin

Forget New Year’s resolutions…This year I’m scheming a writers’ revolution.

Scribblers, let’s shake things up out there.

Are you with me?!

If so, grab a megaphone and repeat after me:

“In 2010, my goal is not to get an agent and publish a book. My goal is to grow and learn enough to write a book worthy of esteem, a book worthy of the best agent and the most discerning publisher. I take this oath as a sacred trust, and I shall toil until my manuscript shines like the sun and lays waste to the spurn of rejection.”

Viva La Revolución!

Hungry for more?

Try my homemade Chocolate Lava Sauce. You’ll need more than a few spoonfuls on hand to get through all the pints of Haagen-Dazs you’ll scarf down while hunched over the keyboard this year.

Chocolate Lava Sauce

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup butter

2 Tbsp. cornstarch

2 Tbsp. cocoa

2 Tbsp. light Karo corn syrup

2 Tbsp. vanilla

1/4 cup cream

Combine all ingredients except vanilla in a medium saucepan. Bring to a gradual boil. Do not scorch, but allow sauce to boil for two minutes. Remove from heat. Add vanilla. Allow to cool slightly.

Binge!

P.S. Congratulations to Jemi Fraser, who won a copy of Gil’s All Fright Diner!


Posted in Uncategorized, Writing | Tagged , , 5 Comments

A Query for Cameron Frye

Posted by Jenny Martin

This morning, uberagent @MichaelBourret tweeted it’s “noticeably quiet today.”

Too quiet.  It’s time for a snowstorm of query tomfoolery.

It’s time to pull a Cameron Frye.

Remember when Cameron and Ferris skitter downtown in the middle of an Oktoberfest Parade?

“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Cameron Frye, this one’s for you. ”

@MichaelBourret, this one’s for you:

Dear Agent,

Have you ever been injured during a barn raising? Imagine the pain of a 300 hundred pound handcarved loadbearing truss falling on your pelvis. You’ll experience these gut wrenching emotions when you read my 278,00 epic Amish techno-thriller, A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS.

Named after a verboten technology, Samuel Buttons struggles amidst a sea of disapproval to overcome his father’s obsession with apparel fasteners. Does his bearded nemesis, Werner Wunderhosen, want him dead? Or does Werner harbor more sinister desires? Samuel must save his betrothed, Rosebud, from Wunderhosen’s zipperless clutches.

In the end, Buttons must also accept his destiny. He must face down the cotton smocked rabble at the Wunderhosen’s barn raising. With Rosebud at his side, Samuel forces Werner’s hand by revealing his secret machine, a steampunk miracle which pintucks seams where no Button has gone before.

Werner attacks, setting the barn ablaze while Rosebud is inside. Buttons rescues his auburned tressed paramour just before a karmic earthquake shakes a treacherous truss loose. Wunderhosen’s pants are pinned; he cannot escape. The word “Rosebud” passes over his dying lips.

Dear sir or madam, although I know you must recognize A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS as Pulitzer material, I’ve taken precautions to ensure my manuscript is safe from plagiaristic subterfuge. I am sending each chapter of my opus separately via registered mail. The pages are encrypted, of course. A courier will arrive with your decoder ring at 3 p.m. tomorrow. I will entertain offers for representation only until the Ides of March.

Danke Schön,

Scarlet Whisper

How do you like them Buttons?

Hungry for more?

Go order takeout Weinerschitznel, I’m all out of pankuchen recipes today.

Fröhliche Weihnachten!

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